man, i don't have my phone today and i am SO GLAD. 

i never really thought i would know what it was like to wake up in the morning and look at someone and feel completely at peace with the world, but i do now. 

it's like, it mends the soul.

all i know is that i'm really fucking tired of everyone giving me all kinds of bullshit unsolicited advice about what I have recently chosen to do with my life.  i know this because i spent a fair portion of last night with two of my close friends, who spent at least an hour grilling me about my boyfriend's motives for doing certain things and my motives for doing certain things and honestly, i'm at a point where my life is about to take an amazing, unpredictable turn, and i'd kind of like the opportunity to run with it without having to respond to bullshit interrogation like that. 

sure, i know they're just doing it because they care, but seriously.  i'm twenty-eight years old.  yeah, there's tons of potential for this situation to work out really fucking poorly, but first of all, nothing is permanent, and there is no possible way that you can know me and not be aware of the fact that i never do anything without tirelessly analyzing it to the last, most miniscule detail.  so what fucking sense would it make that i would just suddenly decide to do something drastic like, out of the blue, with no thought about it whatsoever?  yeah, exactly. 

what's happening now is that they are taking a situation that i'm really, really excited about and making me feel guilty for wanting to make these choices, because it's something they would never even consider doing.  as far as I'm concerned, it is the absolute worst service you can do a friend to discourage them from doing something that may indeed make them very happy, just because you can't seem to wrap your mind around it or the idea of it totally scares you or you have some selfish need to keep them doing whatever it is they're doing.  yes, i completely understand that it could be a bad idea, and i completely understand the potential ramifications of my actions. so, why can't i just be an adult and make my own decisions without the people i care about trying to shoot them down just because it makes them uncomfortable?  i could be embarking on the most intensely amazing chapter of my life, but if i chose not to act on my original plan, i would never even know.  i, personally, am not even remotely willing to risk that. 

at this point, i don't even want to talk to them again until after i make all these changes.  i'm tired of people trying to discourage me from doing what i feel i need to do just because it either doesn't suit their agendas or they're unable to grasp the concept of not feeling so tethered to their current lifestyles that they would be able to make a radical change at a moment's notice and actually feel comfortable with it.  i feel sorry for people who have no choice but to trudge through their lives from day to day, with nothing ever changing or getting any better, because they have no fucking sense of adventure and are too crippled by the thought of potential failure that they can't even take a single step outside the box.  fuck that. 

i want to actually live my life.   

I suppose I could have written something more about the events leading up to my trip, or how the trip actually went, or any number of things like that, but as of about five seconds ago, I've made the decision not to talk about my personal life on the internet, at least not for awhile.  Or at least not in specific terms.  The best I can do to tell anyone anything right now is to say that I'm in love -- so, so in love with someone who is also in love with me, and that I have cheez-it dust all over my chest because I just finished the bag I've been eating for two days.  I've chosen not to say much because I don't want to have to explain to the other parties involved that I'm broadcasting the datails of our relationship across the internet for basically no reason, and also because it is far too personal and private to me to want to share with anyone other than him. 

Unfortunately, this may significantly limit my topics for blogging, because as it turns out, I've never had an original idea in my entire life, and I can't offer any sort of revolutionary opinions about anything because I don't think about anyone or anything but myself.  My self-centeredness seems to know no bounds, except where my new relationship is concerned, since I'm either thinking only about myself or about him or how we can improve our situation.  I can't imagine this stream of thought would be interesting to anyone else, so I'll probably just end up keeping that to myself too.  If there's something you want my opinion about, feel free to suggest something.  Otherwise I'm sure my blogging will be fairly sparse. 

i should probably have written at some point to update you on what's going on with the amazing guy i'm meeting, but it's ended up being a pretty stressful week or so.  seven full days passed before i heard anything from him, and i had barely managed to ooze a few steps back from the brink of despair long enough to reach my phone when he finally called.  the great news, however, is that everything is fine and so far it's worked out the way we hoped, and we're still on track for meeting in just under thirteen days.  (!!!)

otherwise i've been alright, except the anticipation of my trip has been building so intensely that i can scarcely sleep at night.  my thoughts are almost entirely occupied by what i'm going to bring, where i'm going to stay, and whether or not my expectations are going to exceed reality.  i know it's probably not terribly smart of me to have such high hopes, but i don't just fall in love with people every day.  he's fairly preoccupied with everything he's doing right now, which is really good and even if it means i talk to him a lot less, i'm fine with it.  but i think about him all the time.  i'm constantly daydreaming about what that final moment will be like when we actually get to lay eyes on each other.. if it'll be awkward or if i'll cry or if he'll cry or if i'll run up and throw my arms around his neck or any number of pathetically Sleepless-In-Seattle type scenarios.  i don't know.  all i know is that it's less than two weeks away and i am so happy and terrified that i can barely contain myself.

so many things have happened this week.. i hardly know where to begin.  first, in a surprising turn of events, the aforementioned amazing dude and i made concrete plans to see each other next month.  actually, it's in three weeks.  actually, it's in 20 days or so, but who's counting (me)?  anyway. 

making those plans was such an incredible step, and we've been so excited to see each other that we can barely stand the anticipation most of the time.  we've been talking every day and are fairly certain that we're going to have the most amazing time imaginable while i'm there -- so much that we're already sad it has to end.  we have completely crossed the threshold between cautiously approaching our situation anymore and allowing ourselves to tumble head over foot into what may end up being the most loving relationship that two people could ever have.  it feels really weird to say that, but we've sort of gotten over that part (you know, the part where our interaction has existed 100% via internet and phone) and just given in to the warm, pleasant feeling that we had both almost entirely forgotten about since the last people we had been involved with.

two days after that, which brings us to the day before yesterday, we had a conversation which consisted of him telling me that he has made a very life-altering decision, primarily because he wants our relationship to be as successful as possible in the long run.  i won't go into the details of this decision as it's extremely personal and not my business to tell to the internet, but i will say that i could not possibly be happier and more proud of him for having the strength and courage to try to conquer something which could have taken him down a significantly more destructive path in life.  this means that i won't be able to have any contact with him for a brief period of time, but i know that ultimately, this is all for the better and of course i support him in anything and everything he wants to do.  the worst part now is just waiting for status updates.

i haven't slept in two nights and i am beginning to really worry about him, but i'm trying to retain faith that he will contact me as soon as he's able.  i really do love him and i know that what he's doing is totally the right thing, but that he needs to straighten it out on his own, and there's really very little i can do to help. counting down the days until i see him is sort of helping me maintain my sanity, although it's my nature to worry so i may have to start medicating myself coming up soon.  but i guess i'll cross that bridge when i come to it.

various ways i sit at my desk and pretend to be working when i'm actually not doing anything but text messaging people/flagrantly violating company policy in some other way:

1. making lists of things on paper which have nothing to do with work, but always keeping my head down and a very intent look on my face so it appears that i am actually doing something.  also, i keep a copy of something i should actually be working on next to whatever list i'm making, and periodically shuffle them back and forth so it looks like i'm comparing notes or something. 

2. calling people on my personal cell phone or texting them with instructions to call me on my work phone, so that when my boss walks by and sees me in mid-conversation, scribbling on aforementioned list, he won't stop to ask me something work-related.

3. going up to the fourth floor where the vending machines are located and spending inordinate amounts of time choosing sodas or candy which i plan to take back to my desk and eat very slowly.

4. logging into the company's intranet page to pretend to search for work-related items, when really i'm just using that as a cover page for the inappropriate websites i'm looking at while pretending to research information for aforementioned list. 

5. writing e-mails to myself about nothing, usually typing my name or the word DIAPERS over and over again until i get bored of it or have to answer the phone or something.

6. sending e-mails to the cute girl in the HR department about the cute guy in the HR department who sits right next to her and on whom i have a slowly dwindling crush, and not a snowball's chance in hell with. 

7. finally, writing blogs about the things i do to avoid working, which i'm now realizing i totally shouldn't be doing, because i should have learned from dooce's mistakes.  this'll be the last time, i swear.  she's totally right.

yesterday, i went to get my bi-weekly pedicure/rebase, as usual.  i had just gotten out of work and was really psyched about having the opportunity to just sort of chill out and unwind and figure out what my plans were later that evening.  as i was sitting there, in the third chair from the right, there was a fairly cute blonde girl to my left, and then a batty old lady in the next chair over.  the old lady was about mid-late sixties, moderately coherent, in reasonable physical shape (i.e., no diaper), and talking NON-FUCKING-STOP.  she had been drinking out of a stars and stripes coffee mug, which coordinated very well with her red, white, and blue foam visor, oversized July 4th t-shirt, mid-thigh length cutoff jean shorts, and oddly blingy old-lady mules.  the topics she covered ranged from the amazingness of the massage chair she was sitting in to how cute the shoes were of the girl who was doing her pedicure to some leper colony in hawaii to whatever the fuck else, because at that point i had sort of checked out. 

the girl next to me was trying really hard not to laugh, and half-heartedly engaging the old lady when she directed the conversation her way, but otherwise we were all just trying to sit back, relax, and do our own things.  at some point the lady was moved from the pedicure chair over to the manicure table so she could get her fingernails touched up, wherein i took it as my cue to ask the question that I'm sure everyone had floating around in the back of their minds:

"is that lady drunk or just old?" 

the room silently roared with the hopeless, wheezing attempts of four women to stifle their laughter.  satisfied, i returned to the magazine i had been reading and let the rest of the catty comments about what was in that coffee mug unfold around me.  next came the least pleasant portion of my pedicure -- the pumice stone [i'm really ticklish] -- and simultaneously, the girl next to me started chatting me up while i was trying to stifle my own paroxysmal screams.  at this point, i have no real recollection of how our conversation went, i just remember that it was her birthday and she was turning 35 and she ended up inviting me to go out with her and her friends to celebrate her birthday.  we exchanged numbers and i made tentative plans to call her since I really had nothing better to do, and it was friday night and i knew i was going to be bored otherwise. 

fast forward to about four hours later, when she's like noticeably wasted and her other three friends all decide to take off at the same time and leave me alone with her at the bar.  after they all finally take off, she starts repeating one question over and over to herself [but out loud]:

"what the fuck is WRONG with me?"

and my soul sighed the sighs of a thousand exasperated bartenders.

she went on and on about some guy she slept with at Pride Fest not calling her [surprise, surprise?] and how her friends are all leaving her and she didn't understand why no one was hitting on her and blah blah blah blah blah.  i tried to keep from rolling my eyes as much as i could as i encouraged her to finish her drink so i could get us both into a cab and get the fuck out of there. 

once we got to her house, she asked me to come upstairs.

i had already pretty much checked out at that point, but i felt bad for her so i didn't really want to leave her alone when i knew she was in kind of a shitty place.  we ascended the staircase to her apartment, and basically as soon as we walked in the door, she started in on how sad she was all the time and about how nobody likes her and all this crap and i honestly felt as though my stomach was going to burst out of my chest and start screaming at me for being such a retard and going up there when i knew this was going to happen.  after about 40 minutes, i managed to make my excuses and get out of there and walk home, but was somewhat annoyed that my night had taken that extremely lame and depressing turn.

at about 1am, i get home and call a friend from new york who had called me while i was out with drunky mcvaliumface.  we talked for about 30 minutes, after which i decided i was too tired to be awake anymore and crashed.  then the text messages started. 

if anyone knows me at all, they know i have trouble sleeping.  i've always been pretty strict about people not calling at odd hours unless it's an emergency, and most of the time it doesn't end up really being an issue.  i'm just the type that, once i've managed to finally get to sleep, it's important that i don't have any interruptions because i can't get back to sleep once i've been woken up. 

about two hours later [3:30am], she sends me this text message:

U r a wonderful new friend.esp since ur food was so delicious <;)> plz do call when ur up.im usually up...

i was not pleased.
then thirteen minutes later:

Hey new friend,thx 4 joining us.and thx 4 the good talk.call me <;)>

so at that point, i was just like "what the fuck."
then, about twenty minutes later:

Guess what this dumbass did as soon as u left?wanna do something 2nite?

and honestly, any possibility of my getting back to sleep had been totally destroyed.  i was still a little tipsy, which helped, but seriously, she was totally jeopardizing my ability to get a full night's sleep.  i started to get pissed and contemplated texting her back that i'd call her tomorrow, but somehow i got the sense that if i said that and didn't do it, or if i responded at all, i had a lot more of these text messages coming down the pipeline.  i chose to ignore it.

subsequently, there was a bit of a lull and i had managed to get a couple of hours of sleep.
then, 7:17am:

Wanna go to twisted sole @ some pt w/moi?  

OBVIOUSLY THE ANSWER IS NO.  what the fuck had i gotten myself into?  i wanted to stab something.  i wanted to crush my phone into dust in the palms of my hands.  i wanted to call her and scream that i needed to get some fucking sleep. but i chose to ignore it.  i put my phone on silent and just let it go.  at that point, i was pretty much awake, hence my posting so early on a saturday morning.  in a way it's okay though, because i have to catch an 11:30 movie with my co-workers and i would have had to get up anyway.  i'm just really annoyed with her inexplicably clingy behavior, and wonder if later on her friends will ask if she's heard from me or anything and she'll say no and start crying about how she doesn't understand why no one wants to be her friend. 

whatever. 
i fucking wonder why. 

about a week ago or so, i deleted or cancelled all of the dating profiles i had been subscribed to.  out of six, only one remains [two, if you count myspace], but only because i... actually, i have no idea why i kept that one.  i think it has something to do with this certain person i talk to and the fact that that's where i "met" him.  either way, deleting everything was a pretty liberating experience, if a bit of a struggle at first. 

i had grown so accustomed to coming home from work and obsessively checking all those sites and keeping all the tabs open in my browser and looping back through them every twenty minutes to make sure there hadn't been any UPDATES or anything that i realized i had reduced the internet to nothing more than a super-slick, lubricated waterslide which rocketed me down into the depths of singledom, desperation, and false anonymity.    it had to stop.  and it did.

the only positive [?] outcome from having any of those subscriptions is that i may have actually "met" someone worth having a relationship with.  at this point we're still just friends because he's almost 800 miles away, but the mounting attraction between us [i know, doesn't that sound so weird?] is such that i'm sure we will soon figure out some way to bridge the gap.  we're in talks now to get together at some point in the near future, but we don't know when or where or how yet.  no matter, it's becoming an imperative.  we're really into each other's IMs.  [lulz]

i haven't had an "internet relationship" -- if you can even call it that -- since i was easily 18 years old.  with the advent of the internet in my parents' house, so came with it a constant influx of adolescent boys who professed their undying love with my willingness to make out with them or describe -- via IM -- what i would be willing to do with them if only i could sleep over.  it was cute at first, until [in some poignant foreshadowing] each "relationship" soon found its own way to fail.  each tumultuous, drama-ridden affair was either marred by the significant distance between us or by a sudden cessation in receiving e-mails or by finding out that my internet boyfriend had been IMing cuter, blonder, sluttier girls behind my back.  at the time it was all i was capable of, because it turned out that i would never have a real relationship until i was around 21. 

the most notable difference i've charted between then and now is that adulthood seems to have changed the face of internet dating.  not having to steal money from my mother's purse to buy a bus ticket to new jersey or beg someone else to purchase said bus ticket definitely changes the way i view this potential relationship and the concept of ever having others.  i want to meet this man so much, and i'm honestly pretty thankful that logistics are a greater issue than money, and that i won't have to worry about sneaking him into my bedroom on a school night and trying to have bumbling, adolescent sex with him quietly enough that my parents won't hear us or potentially interrupt.  i could not possibly be more glad for that.  i've always appreciated my independence, but things like this tend to strike a resounding note in my mind that being a grown-up is pretty awesome. 

either way, i hope i get to meet him soon.  he's amazing.

every time i venture to create a blog of some kind, i abandon it at some point usually inside of a month.  i can't make any promises about this one either.  but who knows.